518 days have passed since little Roni was cruelly torn from her father Omri Miran's arms after hours of being held hostage, with a gun pointed at her head, watching her big, strong father begging for his life in front of murderers. 518 days have passed since Alma, her infant sister, just six months old, burrowed into her mother Lishi's arms, guns pointed at their backs.
“Roni tried to run after him, and I had to physically hold her back so she wouldn't follow the monsters and her father,” Lishi Miran Lavi, who survived the massacre in Kibbutz Nahal Oz, recounted this week on the UN stage. Since October 7, she has been raising their daughters alone. Alma's first steps, Roni's difficult questions, the hopes, the dreams, the birthdays, and the sweet Purim costumes as the holiday approaches again – Lishi experiences all these with her daughters alone. Without their father, the great love of her life.
With Omri and the girls. “It breaks your heart every moment you miss with them,” from the family album
A few days after the horrific kidnapping, Lishi decided to share WhatsApp messages with Omri, despite his absence, so he would continue to be part of the young family, so he wouldn't miss a moment in the development and growth of his daughters. Message after message, they turned into a journal of love and longing. A journal of fighting for life and sanity. A journal of a family that went through the most horrific atrocity, and still anxiously awaits the return of father Omri from Gaza.
A journal that is a personal, painful and gut-wrenching document, in which, among other things, the elevation of spirit stands out despite all the blows and disappointments. A journal of messages that went unanswered, messages without a blue checkmark, from a woman doing everything in her power to unite and heal her family. To bring the father back to his children.
October 29, 2023, 10:43 p.m.
My dear Omrili,
So I decided to start writing to you so I don't forget all the important things. I hope I'll manage to be consistent and everything will be written down when you return…
Just so you know, Alma has been sitting up properly for two days now. And Roni is already saying mama. And generally, Roni speaks like a big girl. My love, Roni can already count to 10 straight through. And today we also visited Mojo. He was really excited, but didn't want to come out with us for a walk. Roni started therapy dog sessions two weeks ago, and today after seeing Mojo she asked to see Anzo. She really misses you and today she said goodnight to you three times. I'm sure you felt it… She also told you that we love you, miss you and are waiting for you.
I've also started giving her a bit of massage again. Both her and Alma, with a special cold remedy oil they made for us. So it's – first back. Now chest (with a guttural ‘ch’). And then legs like daddy does. She only falls asleep when she's sleeping on my arm and generally needs lots of touch and hugs. I really miss you already and am imagining the phone call I'll receive to come meet you.
Tomorrow is a really busy day: an interview and then filming a testimony, and then a meeting with intelligence people and then another interview. How does it always happen to me on Mondays. Waiting for the moment I'll see you. Hug you, kiss you. And hoping you won't be angry with me that I can't take care of Mojo now. But you should know that he's close by and with someone amazing and it's better for him right now, I'm sure you'll understand. Good night, my love.
October 30, 2023, 10:28 p.m.
My love,
Today was a really busy day. I barely had time with Roni, and Alma didn't see me at all… What a strange situation this is. I keep telling Roni that I'm going to work and this whole thing really is work… but she also doesn't quite understand why only her mother goes to work. My love, there are so many people you'll need to meet when you come back, amazing people who are helping me, us. Strangers who have become as close as can be.
Alma is 7 months old today. Can you believe it? How she's already grown. Tomorrow I really must make time just with her that isn't at night.
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My love, I love you, miss you and am waiting for you. Waiting so much for that phone call that will tell me you're on your way home. I know it will come! And every day that passes I tell myself that soon, a little bit more, it's coming.
November 4, 2023, 8:55 p.m.
My love,
I haven't written for a few days, there were days full of activity, all kinds of emotions, and difficulties. On Wednesday, Roni had a therapy dog session, which was very difficult… She drew in black and after 20 minutes wanted to end the session. Afterward, she hid under the slides and said it's scary outside… Since then she's been a bit angry that you're not with us. She's not angry at you, but at the world. She asks for you more and more and now wants to say a real goodnight to you.
With Omri in happier days. “It breaks your heart every moment you miss with them”
On Thursday, Berry Sakharof came to us in Kramim. I talked to him and requested two songs, “Come Home” and “At the End of a Day”… I completely broke down when he sang them.
Roni had a difficult day on Thursday and so did I… We're completely in sync lately, and I'm really trying to be strong for her and be with her a lot… Alma is starting to get jealous, and I need to learn to synchronize between them. Yesterday, Friday, was a busy day: in the morning, new beds arrived for Roni and Alma, and also a kitchen for Roni. She was so excited and almost cried when she saw a bed that was just hers. I sleep on a mattress next to them. It's a bit hard for me that I don't feel them close to me at night anymore, but it's better for them and definitely safer…
In the afternoon I went to Tel Aviv with Kamila for a Shabbat reception organized by Kibbutz Nahal Oz. First time I left Kramim since we arrived here. It wasn't easy, but it was important that I did it…
November 7, 2023, 5:53 p.m.
My Omrili,
A month.
A whole month has passed and it feels like a year has gone by.
And it feels like everything has frozen.
October 7 at 1:30 PM was the last time I saw you and since then everything has been hazy… Time passes, Roni is really growing up. Her vocabulary is insane and every day she surprises me anew with her strength. Alma is already 7 months old, sitting, eating and doesn't understand where daddy disappeared to and why mommy isn't always with her.
Today I went to Nahal Oz… They cleaned and organized the house before we arrived. I was there and nothing made sense. Explosions echoing on one side and pastoral scenes on the other. Surreal like our lives always were, like our lives are now.
Omrili, the grass is still green and the Mitsubishi is still parked in place and I fell for a moment and then, as you know me, I got up and went into machine mode.
Omrili, as I told you a month ago, so still:
I love you
I'm protecting our girls
We're waiting for you
And don't be a hero
Omrili, I will turn the whole world upside down until you come back. I promise you.
December 8, 2023, 2:16 p.m.
My Omrili,
Two months have passed. Two whole months.
Alma is already eight months old. She started standing this week, and ate her first sufganiyah.
Roni continues to be amazing and asks every day if you'll come today, and every evening understands that daddy isn't coming today either and we need to go outside to say goodnight even when it's raining, even when it's cold.
And me, I'm still not myself. I'm already a different Lishi. Running between meetings and interviews. And really trying to be with the girls too.
My Omrili,
Yesterday we lit the first Hanukkah candle.
Lishi Miran. “When will our day come?”, Efrat Eshel
Remember when we moved to the last apartment, we were happy it was big enough and this year we could host friends and family for candle lighting? And yesterday we lit the first candle without you and when I asked Roni what she wanted to wish for, “What miracle should we ask for today?” she said “For daddy Omri to come back,” and she looked at Alma and held her hands and said “Daddy Omri, we love you.”
My Omrili, like two months ago, today too I will turn the whole world upside down until you return.
February 24, 2024, 2:47 p.m.
My love,
Sorry I haven't written in a while. It's not because I don't want to, it's just so hard. I thought you'd be here with us by now. Sorry I couldn't make it happen.
I hope you'll be here by Alma's birthday. I don't know how I'll get through her birthday and yours without you. And it's starting to become too real…
My love,
They're growing so much and becoming true beauties and so smart, and it breaks your heart every moment you miss with them.
This week I was doing advocacy in Brussels and Roni held up so well during all those four days and when I got back she simply fell apart. On Friday at her dog therapy she told Inbar that she cried and was angry, and when Inbar asked her why, she told her because I came back alone. Because I didn't come back with daddy.
Oh Omrili, I don't know anymore if I'm doing things right or wrong. If I'm raising them in a healthy way or not. And I keep asking myself in my head, if it was reversed, how would you behave? What would you do? And usually I answer that probably the same way.
My love, I love you so much and am just waiting for the moment you return and we'll be a family again.
February 25, 2024, 11:47 p.m.
My love,
Another day has passed and you're still not here…
I got back not long ago to the blue house (that's what Roni calls it). Roni is sleeping in my bed and Alma in hers. She'll probably wake up soon and I'll move her to me.
I so hope there will be a deal soon and so hope that in some strange ways we'll manage to get you on the list. How terrible it is to talk in these terms… I know the chance is slim but I'll do everything to make it happen, I promise you.
This week I decided that I'll only be out two days, today and Wednesday, and the rest of the days I'll be with the girls. I hope I'll manage to stick to it. They need me and I need them. Sometimes it's good for me to escape a bit but I try to really limit it.
Love you so much and miss you so much.
February 26, 2024, 11:11 p.m.
My love,
And here another day has passed and you're still not here…
Tonight too, Roni said goodnight to you and that she's waiting, missing and loving you. She gave you a kiss in the air and hugged you. And also said “We'll talk in the morning, daddy.” What an incredible child we have, really a champion!
Today I had Tui-Na treatment in the morning, and for a few moments I could feel your touch. I rested a lot and in the afternoon I was with the girls. Tomorrow I'm going with Roni on a community trip for Nahal Oz. I hope I'll manage to get through this day and that Roni will enjoy it.
Love you so much and miss you so much.
February 28, 2024, 11:20 p.m.
My love,
Another day has passed and you're still not here… Yesterday I went with Roni on a community trip for Nahal Oz. I thought to myself that this is what you would want me to do… It was hard for her at first, she recognized people and was excited, but didn't remember names and was disappointed that Ben-Ben didn't come. It wasn't easy for me either… Strange suddenly to be with the community that's quite broken up and without you too.
I really miss you and especially at the end of the day, there's no one to really share with, no one to laugh with and get upset about people with, no one to hug and simply no you.
Lishi Miran Lavi in the hostage families’ representatives statement, from WhatsApp
I've been trying to understand in recent days what else I can do? Everything is converging again for me to be more with the girls… That's also part of the struggle. That at least they have me for more time than they've had lately. Every so often I need to take a pause. I've already learned not to be afraid of them and to accept them with love.
Love you so much and miss you so much.
March 1, 2024, 9:50 p.m.
My love,
I hope you feel that Roni says goodnight to you every day, every night, and that she misses you, loves you and is waiting. This week she also added kisses and a hug.
Today she kind of broke my heart (which is unclear how there are still whole parts left here). She told Inbar, her therapist, that she misses daddy Omri. And she also said she doesn't remember you. You're so missing from her life… And know that no matter how long it takes, you will be present as much as I can manage in both their lives.
Love you and miss you so much.
March 7, 2024, 10:04 p.m.
My love,
Another day has passed… I wonder if you know the dates. I wonder if you manage to count the days… I wonder if you distinguish between morning and night.
5 months. 153 days. A complex day for me and for the little ones. Roni seems to feel every 7th of the month. Alma too, I think.
She's lying next to me in bed and refusing to sleep in her own bed. My love, what two stubborn and opinionated girls we have… It probably couldn't have turned out any other way.
It's a bit hard for me to write to you today… Love you and miss you so much.
March 19, 2024, 8:39 p.m.
My love,
Roni just said goodnight to you at the window like every night. She said you don't hear her and she doesn't see you… You're really missing from her life and it's getting harder for her to deal with your absence.
She also said that my bed is also daddy's and until you come back, she's saving your place next to me… What an amazing child we have. I'm already waiting for the moment you return and the four of us will be together in bed. To be honest, I probably won't have a place. I'm imagining the picture I'll take of you sleeping with our two pups next to you… I'll definitely cry and you'll play it cool and laugh at me a bit and we'll both know your heart is bursting with happiness.
I wish you're also imagining this and many more moments that will happen… Because you will come back, there's no other option. And I hope so much, so much that it will be soon.
March 24, 2024, 8:54 p.m.
My love,
Another weekend.
Another long, unbearable weekend.
Friday the girls dressed up for kindergarten and were stunning, and I couldn't stop the tears that you're not seeing them, that you're not here with us. On Friday I took Roni for the first time to Tel Aviv, to the Hostages Square. It was hard for her at first but after an hour she relaxed and was the Roni we all know.
Omri in captivity. “I know you're holding on,” Uncredited
I wonder if you can imagine her growing up. I wonder if you can imagine her talking and what a stunning and beautiful girl she is. And how much she looks like you, God, how much she resembles you.
We lit Shabbat candles at the Nahal Oz Kabbalat Shabbat and she asked in front of everyone for daddy to come back. Yesterday we were here. It was relatively calm and I didn't go to the rally in Tel Aviv. I needed a moment to stop for the girls and especially for myself. Roni still hasn't fallen asleep. This whole sleep issue is becoming harder and harder for her.
I was sure you would have returned by now… I'm sorry, sorry, sorry that I haven't succeeded yet. I'm doing everything I can… I'm stretching all possible boundaries and still haven't succeeded.
Alma celebrates her first birthday in a week, she took three steps on her own today, she's growing so much and I still haven't managed to bring you back to her. Sorry I'm so fragile and broken today.
Love you so much and miss you so much.
March 27, 2024, 9:58 p.m.
My love,
Roni calls me “Imush,” you'll probably crack up when you hear it.
And Alma says “or” [light]… That's probably her first word because it repeats itself quite often. And it suits her so well, especially with the song “Sun Ray” which as soon as she hears the first note she starts moving. And little Alma is really asking and demanding things. They started hearing “The Lion Sleeps” at kindergarten, and it's hilarious. I also started doing your ritual with her after the shower like you do with Roni and she's so sweet.
In general, they're both wonderful, and how they've grown and started playing with each other and it's delightful. On Saturday we'll celebrate her first birthday.
My love, I really miss you.
Today I cried a lot.
Sorry I still haven't managed to bring you back.
Sorry I don't know what else to do.
Sorry, just sorry.
Love you tons and miss you so much.
April 3, 2024, 10:52 p.m.
My love,
I haven't written to you this week. It was an emotionally difficult week. Lots of things to do and I feel like I'm not getting enough done. Thoughts are constantly running through my head and I can't manage to organize them in writing…
Our pups are growing. I looked at them sleeping now. And I stayed a few more moments to try to transmit to you too… to focus on you, maybe you can imagine them. Maybe you can see them and how smart they are and how beautiful they are and how much they miss you. My love, do you know today's date? Do you know that Alma is already a year old?
Lishi with daughters Roni (left) and Alma. “I wonder if you can imagine her growing,” from the family album
Roni still says goodnight to you every night, but it's also important for her to say that you don't hear her because you're far away. And when she says that, I ask her if she feels that you're thinking about her, and if she feels in her heart that you love her, and she answers yes and then I tell her that you also feel in your heart that she's saying goodnight to you… A ritual that's been repeating itself for a week. I wish you could feel, I wish we could really transmit to you a bit of strength and energy and the enormous love we have for you… I wish.
My love, you have a birthday next week and I'm trying very hard to put together something to mark it the way you would want… When you come back and I tell you what we did, you'll love it.
My love, on Saturday I'll be at the rally at Sha'ar HaNegev and on Sunday I'll speak at the six-month rally in Jerusalem… and ugh, I'm getting tired of it, but there's nothing to be done.
And tomorrow we'll celebrate Alma's birthday at kindergarten and I wish, I wish our wish will come true soon… Just come back already.
April 10, 2024, 10:04 p.m.
My love,
How are you? How are you doing?
Do you know that tomorrow is your birthday? Are you aware of the date? Are you managing to breathe?
When did you last see sunlight?
I did quite a few interviews this week… Deliberately, maybe they played them for you? Maybe they let you see? My love, hang in there. I know it's difficult to the point of impossible. For us here too.
Happy birthday tomorrow, my love
Keeping
Missing
Loving
April 14, 2024, 8:22 a.m.
My love,
The end of the world has come. Iran actually sent hundreds of missiles at us and we slept in the shelter. All the Nahal Oz families from Kramim in one shelter. My parents went back to the blue house at some point. Michal and Alma joined them after an hour, and I… I stayed with Roni who managed to fall asleep and is still sleeping…
Yesterday Roni took a toy phone and talked to you for five minutes, she told you about the birthday we had in Tel Aviv and how much she misses you. She even let Alma talk to you.
And Alma, amazing Alma, every picture she sees, she already says “Daddy” and is really starting to recognize you. Omrili, I miss you so much. I waited for you to come and calm me down. I waited for you to hug me.
I waited for someone to make me laugh.
Yesterday for the first time I prayed that you're still in a tunnel.
May 5, 2024, 10:36 p.m.
My love,
And again a week has passed since I wrote to you
And what a week…
Seeing you in a video after 204 days. Recognizing and not recognizing. Where's the spark in your eyes? Where's the captivating smile? Where are you, my love? Is something left of your soul after so much time?
Alma dressed up for Purim. “So many apologies I need to ask you for,” Private album
And my father's heart couldn't take it… It almost completely shattered. How hard it is for him to see me, to see the girls and how hard it was for him to see you in the video. He held strong and only broke down after I flew off. And I most need a hug right now. And I most need you right now. For you to stroke my head and tell me everything is ok until I fall asleep… until I fall asleep.
I wish I could dream about you a bit. I wish I would wake up and there would be a deal.
I wish this nightmare would end already.
Love you
Love you
Love you.
May 18, 2024, 10:04 p.m.
My love,
Writing to you requires so much
I wonder when you'll read all this?!
When will you finally come back and what to write at all. To tell everything or just part… I want you here. Right here. Why don't they end this nightmare already, why?!
My love, the girls are growing so much. Two beauties, two opinionated ones, two brave ones, two heroines, two smart ones and two who miss you so much. Roni asked this week for you to come to her birthday… It's in July, there's still time, she tells me. Daddy will come already for my birthday, right?! She asked the next day. And I can only tell her that I'm doing everything for it to happen and that together we'll ask and maybe it will come true.
Seven months, the same wish.
Who would have believed so much time would pass.
Sorry, my love. Sorry.
And Alma points several times a day at the pictures and says “Daddy.” “Daddy.”
Ohhh
The nightmare doesn't end, it continues and continues… You'll be shocked when you meet them. How sweet they are, it's something else. There's no one who meets them and isn't captivated by their special charm. I took them today to the pool here in Kramim and they enjoyed it so much. And in the afternoon we ate ice cream on the grass and jumped on the trampoline and you were so missing. You're missing in every second.
We love you so much.
June 22, 2024, 12:50 a.m.
My love,
Another weekend
Full moon
I really miss you and want you to come back already… Roni was at home today. We drove to Be'er Sheva to buy sunglasses for Alma and another pair for her. We ate ice cream and she again detailed what she wants for her birthday: inflatables, games, balloons, a chair and a wreath. And maybe daddy will come too. Either yes or no. Roni asked every day this week to draw a card for you, also today with Inbar her therapist. Wow, how much she misses you, it's insane.
I'm afraid it will take a lot more time.
So afraid for you and also for me. Come back already.
August 22, 2024, 12:24 a.m.
My love,
Tomorrow I'll open your phone again. I'll send a dot and hope it's the last time because how much more can this go on. My love, I know you're holding on. I don't write much, quite generally, but I promise I remember, I promise there will be so much to tell and pictures to show and videos.
My love,
I don't know if this is right but I have to tell you this too.
In an advocacy mission to the European Union in Brussels
Roni told her therapist today about a dream she had this week… She said that daddy and mommy were in the safe room in Nahal Oz with knives and we were cutting a salad. And then the bad people came in and your hand had many knives and each time they took a knife from you and it hurt you.
My love – do you remember if Roni was awake when you came in with the knives?!
Many things are getting mixed up for me already. I want you to come back a bit. I want there to be a bit of quiet in my head and heart. Really worried about you and waiting, waiting for you to return.
Always yours.
October 12, 2024, 1:53 p.m.
My love,
“Daddy Omri,” “Daddy, me,” “Daddy, Roni.” That's what Alma said a few minutes ago.
My love, we'll remember this day. I have tears in my eyes.
She doesn't say my name or my parents’, but yours she knows. And now I can imagine her together with Roni running toward you and calling daddy Omri.
She's exploring, Alma, the eyes, the nose, the mouth. Giving a kiss. You're so present here. And so missing. And waiting, waiting for you to finally return.
Today is Yom Kippur. I remember how last year I tried to convince you to go to the sea with everyone, and you said “no” and stayed. What luck, because that way there's one more memory from before that cursed day that isn't over yet.
My love – sorry I don't write to you too much anymore. It's really hard, but I remember and wait and miss and love.
November 22, 2024, 12:51 a.m.
A month.
A month I haven't written to you.
Sorry, sorry, sorry.
So many apologies I need to ask of you.
Maybe you'll come back already so you can forgive me?!
We moved to a Carville. That's it, you can come back now. Everything is ready. I promise to make room in the closet.
How much longer?
Invitation to Omri's birthday. Not really a celebration
What's happening with you there? Are you sleeping? Are you eating? Did they bring you long clothes? Do you even know that the rain has started to fall? Are your knees bothering you? Are you somehow managing to alleviate the pain? At least the physical…
Omrili, how much longer will we wait?
Alma asked this week to see you.
Can you believe it? Alma, that baby you last saw when she was half a year old, asked “Can we see him?”
I'm angry and I'm annoyed and I'm sad and I'm not managing to hide it in recent days. It comes out on them sometimes too. Sorry.
